Gautam Rajadhayaksha was all set to turn director with Shabana starrer

For Shabana Azmi, the going of Gautam Rajadhyaksha is a personal blow. Says the devastated actress, "I can't get over the fact that Gautam was going to be 61 on the September 16, and now he's gone forever. I never got a chance to tell him how much I love him. I can't stop crying."

"Gautam said Amitabh Bachchan, Rishi Kapoor and I were a photographer's nightmare. He said, 'You three only know how to act. You don't know how to pose.' I'd freeze in front of the still camera. Gautam would relax me with his opera music and conversation, and the food. He served the most delicious food Maharashtrian food in his house. My best photos were taken by Gautam. And also of Javed and the children, Farhan and Zoya. Now when we're doing up our new home in Lonavla, Gautam had visited the place with photographs."

Placing Gautam in a photographic perspective, Shabana says, "I think after Dhiraj Chawda, Gautam took the process of glamorizing stars to another level through still photography."

Sighs Shabana, "He just left a script for me to read which he was planning to direct. Gautam didn't have a single mean bone in his body. He was loved by all those he photographed so beautifully. Newcomers would feel they have 'arrived' if Gautam photographed them."

Shaken by the suddenness of her friend's going, Shabana says, "How random and bizarre life seems! And how slender the thread with which we hang on to life. I've lost three dear friends directors Manish Acharya and Jagmohan Mundhra and now Gautam one after the other. This is a very deep and personal blow for me. I wish I had told Gautam how much he meant to me."